It’s been a long, quiet week with the silence broken only by some loud music, some short talks and the tapping of computer keys.
Teengirl is surprisingly good. After just a week off school and very little sleep, she is dealing with her friends suicide incredibly well. But from my pragmatic little girl, I should’ve expected nothing less.
When she did talk to me it was almost void of voice and filled to the brim with sad silence. Her tears tripped over her bottom eyelashes and her nose got red from crying as she gulped back the words that she couldn’t form for me.
Her fists clenched on her lap and her jaw was set square and hard. Her eyes shone grey in sadness.
I watched her anger creep up until she couldn’t keep it down anymore and she slammed her little fist against her leg.
That was Wednesday last week, just a couple of days after her life changed.
Now it’s Sunday and she’s still angry, but now it’s just pulsing from her like electrical currents. It’s slowly beginning to dissipate as she addresses it.
We spent a while talking about anger (or rather I did) and how anger can taint your life if you don’t deal with it. But how to deal with it?
Teengirl talked to her friend via the computer keyboard every single day. The anonymity this provided made it easier for them both to open up about things they couldn’t speak aloud, especially her friend, who had kept so much inside for so long.
So we worked out a solution that would allow Teengirl to express her anger, her guilt, her sadness and her hurt in an honest way that wouldn’t require her to hide any of her feelings for fear of judgement or causing pain to anyone else.
Teengirl put on some very loud heavy rock music, sat down at her computer and tapped away at her keys.
She wrote as though she was talking her to friend once again, as if she was still on the other end of the fibre optic cable.
Her fingers screamed out the question: “WHY?” to the internet ether. And then she began the conversation with her friend that would help her heal her own pain.
She ‘told’ her friend how angry she was that she’d left her the way she had, she SHOUTED at her for being selfish and she cried her tears in words of missing her and lonliness and sadness. And she asked her friend if she could have helped her, stopped her, saved her.
And with each sentence she wrote, she paused for her friend to answer.
Teengirl filled those pauses with the words she thought her friend would have replied with. The words that would help her begin the long walk along her healing path.
It’s good to talk. It doesn’t matter how you do it – with your mouth, your fingers, your tears or your actions. Just do it.